Dixie van de Flier Davis,
Founder & President Emerita
Treasures of a Different Sort
Today some of our staff begin to do some story telling. Faye Gardner agreed to write one of her favorite memories as a guest blogger here.
Throughout the year, The Adoption Exchange hosts adoption networking parties, which offer opportunities for prospective adoptive families, children, and caseworkers to connect while in a safe, relaxed, fun environment. In Colorado at the end of each party, every child who attends picks a toy from The Adoption Exchange’s treasure chests to take with them; this includes the birth children of foster or prospective adoptive parents as well as all of the waiting children.
A few years ago, I was helping with the adoption networking party at Boondocks Fun Center in Northglenn. The children were having a wonderful time, and the prospective adoptive parents were enjoying many fun activities as they played, talked and ate pizza with the children. I had the enviable job of helping set up the toy chests and making sure each child had a turn to go to one of the five toy chests to pick out his or her prize.
I watched when a boy about 10 years old dug through all of the treasures in his assigned toy chest and pulled out a wooden photo frame with a large, plastic horse head glued to one corner of the photo frame. It was the kind of photo frame that most 10 year old boys like and most adult women do not.
With a big smile on his face, David went over to his mom and said, “Look what I got for you!” With a shocked look on her face, his mom replied, “Wow! Thank you so much!” His dad said approvingly, “That was really kind of you.”
Isn’t that what moms and dads and families are all about? Our children bring us gifts that express their thoughtfulness and even if they are not items we would pick out, we thank them and are pleased at their generosity. I still hang the Christmas tree ornament that’s supposed to be a small tree but looks like a bunch of oddly shaped grapes with red glitter on them that my son made for me in preschool. I possess colorful art projects made lovingly just for me by my older daughter when she was in elementary school. I still have the carved wooden eagle that was purchased especially for me in Mexico by my then nine-year-old younger daughter.
I want that opportunity for all of our waiting children—to be able to give mom or dad that “awfully” beautiful object they made or chose just for them, to see the love in their mom or dad’s eyes as they thank them for the gift, to carry that beautiful memory with them well into their adult years. Those opportunities and the memories they generate are the real treasures in all of our lives.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Another Holiday Season Without A Family
Diedre can’t get fifteen year old Troy out off her mind. He is going to be celebrating yet another holiday without a permanent family. She wants his wish to come true for him — his wish for a family to “love and accept me as I am.”
Troy is a lot like other teenagers. He likes video games, reading fiction, listening to music. He has a favorite pair of socks that have come to be known as his “lucky socks.”
Unlike most other teenagers, every Friday Troy calls his Arizona case worker to ask if there is any progress yet on the search for his family.
Since I heard Diedre talk about him I haven’t been able to forget him either.
Please take a look at Troy’s photograph and read a little about him. If you’d like to join the effort to see that he will spend his next birthday in a forever family, share his story with a friend.
It would be the best holiday gift we could give him. Thank you.
http://www.adoptuskids.org/_app/child/viewp.aspx?id=46232
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Holidays and Dark Days
In Utah data documents that 57 percent of the youth who left foster care since 2002 were diagnosed with a major mental illness.
It doesn’t mean they won’t ever be able to live productive lives. But if they aren’t adopted, it means they will be completely alone to cope with the ravages of illnesses that are often misdiagnosed and misunderstood.
Though adoption doesn’t cure mental illness, adoptive families provide a safety net through the struggles. Parents ensure that their children have access to therapeutic and educational supports. They provide guidance and affirming experiences to help the troubled youth develop positive self esteem and build lasting, healthy relationships.
Unlike the supports provided by foster care, the love and commitment of permanent parents doesn’t go away when their children grow to be 18 or 21 or 35. Family is there for the long haul.
Coping with the debilitating impact of mental illness despite fears and discrimination of well meaning friends, teachers and colleagues leaves everyone feeling isolated and alone. Likewise adoptive families thrive when the community is there with resources and practical relief when needed.
It isn’t unusual for the holiday season to precipitate crises for children with mental illness. The last weeks of the year are filled with mayhem. Routines are disrupted and old (sometimes painful) memories are triggered. Extended families gather, bringing distractions, judgments, and unrealistic expectations.
There is a wide array of professional support available for adoptive families any time of year. There are free lending libraries, support groups, referrals for psychotherapy, training workshops, and more.
The volunteers who manage an organization called CHART know what the darkest days can be like for adopted adolescents who have mental illnesses. They understand the devastating ripples that leave everyone in the family feeling battered and emotionally drained. Information, moral support and financial assistance are made available to families facing the crisis of residential treatment.
CHART is one of the places families can turn for support to help you keep the promise of forever. To learn more about it go to www.chartrtc.org.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Thoughts on the Season
It is the season for gift giving. We think about the smell of fresh baked cookies, and imagine beautifully wrapped packages. What should we give? Someone with a wise heart offers an answer to that question in a poem.
What Shall We Give the Children?
The open sky, the brown earth, the leafy tree, the golden
sand, the blue water, the stars in their courses,
and the awareness of these.
Birdsong, butterflies, clouds, and rainbows
Sunlight, moonlight, firelight.
Attention…for one day it will be too late.
A large hand reaching down for a small hand,
impromptu praise, an unexpected kiss,
A straight answer.
The glisten of enthusiasm and a great sense of wonder.
A sense of value. A sense of humor. The meaning of
discipline. The will to work. The love of justice. The
passion for truth. The power of faith and hope.
Long days to be merry in and nights
without fear.
The memory of a good home.
Anonymous
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Maria and Brandon
A friend is someone you trust and who trusts you. Someone on Urban Dictionary commented that a friend is someone who “not only doesn’t care if you’re ugly or boring, but doesn’t even think abut it.”
Brandon trusted Maria.
She dedicated several years of her career to finding ways to make the child welfare system work smoothly for all of the children in her caseload. Regardless of race or age or disability, she was determined to give every child the security of his own family.
Of course some people can’t imagine being parents to a child with cerebral palsy. That may be why it took two years for her to find Brandon’s adoptive family.
When a reporter came to visit the family and learn something about the process, everyone was smiling. If he was surprised at the energy of this family, he didn’t say so. By that time Brandon’s physical disability was in fact something no one cared or even thought much about.
Brandon gestured toward his caseworker and told the reporter, “That’s my friend.”
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
The Long Road
The annual adoption party at White Fence Farm has developed a reputation. So I’m no longer surprised that parents schedule their summer vacations around this event. They don’t just drive across town to attend. Every year there are parents who have driven from the other end of the state and from several neighboring states.
It’s a long trip. But they always arrive in good spirits.
It is a great party because everyone has fun and learns a lot. And it is a great party because it brings results.
It should not be a surprise to know that a few weeks ago Tracy Williams, a caseworker, decided to take the road and attend the party. She drove over 250 miles to bring two children to meet prospective parents.
And it was absolutely worth the extra effort. Thanks to a caseworker who is willing to go the extra (hundreds of) miles, several families have stepped forward for consideration. Soon we will be hearing about another adoptive placement.
Many thanks to all of the caseworkers across the country who go the distance to make the long road a little shorter for children and families.
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Learn more about Dixie.
- Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Look what we’ve done together!
Wayne’s parents knew the dim prognosis, but that didn’t stop them from adopting him. A few years later I felt a chill run up my spine when I saw Wayne cross a low set balance beam. He turned around and shouted, “Mom, look at me! See what I did!” The smiles of his physical therapist and his mom were about a broad as they could be.
As The Adoption Exchange nears a big celebratory milestone – counting the 7,000th adoption match – we all feel a little like Wayne when he safely reached the goal and stepped off the balance beam.
Hey, look! Seven thousand children have been given the chance to discover they are loveable.
Wayne didn’t stop growing and developing. And neither is The Adoption Exchange. But for a moment we plan to stop and cheer for what we’ve all done together.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Julius
I am lucky enough to know one of Julius’ sons.
Julius himself is sort of a legend. He was the oldest of a large group of siblings that were raised in a government run orphanage. Somehow he made it through those years determined to keep his brothers and sisters together.
In spite of the fact that institutions separated siblings in order to house the children by age groups — regardless of the fact that they had different bed times and day time routines — despite residing in separate cottages that were far apart on a large and lonely campus, Julius never let this little cluster of children forget that they were a family.
They all grew up. Julius became a well known, all-American type softball umpire – the kind that created stories for the players to tell for years. And there are now children and grandchildren. When Julius died, he was a great grandfather. Even though he is gone, he left a large, sometimes boisterous extended family who go to church, have important careers, raised their own children, and enjoy big reunions with an annual golf tournament.
The son I know became a mental health professional and a child welfare supervisor. He is a father and grandfather through birth and through foster care adoption.
We enjoy a healthier community because a boy in an orphanage … a mere boy … knew the power of family.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
The Perfect Family For Paul
Barbara loves order. She is always neatly dressed, and you’d swear she just came from the hairdresser. When she worked at The Adoption Exchange, her office was always clean. I still find files with her beautiful handwritten notes.
But Barbara says that families don’t have to be just like each other (and they certainly don’t have to be like her) to be perfect parents for the children.
She remembers the couple who asked to adopt Paul. They lived in a tiny house in a very ordinary neighborhood. They liked to run barefoot in the summer. They weren’t joggers or dieters. Their little house was pretty cluttered, and they didn’t work out in the gym.
When she visited them after Paul came into their family, she was moved. It was impossible to tell which of their children was the adopted child. No one seemed crowded by the size of the house. There was a lot of healthy hugging, and she could see Paul was drinking in their affection.
Paul’s parents are grateful that he is in their lives. And Barbara says he got just what he needed.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
I Am a Blessed Child
Those are the words she wrote. But it didn’t begin that way. Shanté came into foster care when she was eight years old. But she blossomed with the care and love of her adoptive mom. They met at school, where her mom-to be was a social worker.
“On August 28, 1991 we went down to the courtroom and everything was finalized. I was finally in a home to call my own. That’s where I stand now – in a blessed family and with friends.”
“I enjoy my family. I am a blessed child and it shows in everything I do, If there is anything in life that a child needs, it is a family. I think o child is to be lonely in these days. It only leads to destruction of a child’s life.”
Shanté is grown now, and a mother herself.
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Learn more about Dixie.