The fantasies of teenagers aren’t much different than those of the younger children. They long for loving parents “who won’t hurt me.” They want to grow up knowing that they matter to someone. They want to play sports and enjoy sleep-overs with friends. They want grandparents for their own children yet to come.

Nonetheless sixteen-year old Frank wasn’t just hesitant when it came to having his picture taken. He stubbornly resisted. A failed adoption had left him wary.

So his caseworker asked him what he thought about putting his portrait in the annual Heart Gallery to draw in a mom or a dad (or both) who might get interested in another child in foster care.

“Okay,” he finally said. “But I don’t want one.” He made his opinion known the photographer and his caseworker, and then he combed his hair.

The photographer asked him to climb up into a tree, and caught a shot of Frank in an unguarded, vulnerable moment. That’s the shot that was selected for the Heart Gallery.

And now you know what I’m about to say…within weeks Frank moved into his permanent, adoptive family.

Smart caseworker. She knew “no” meant “I’m afraid no one will want me.”

“Look at me, mom. See what I did!” How many times have you heard that from a child?

It is wonderful to have a friend, a colleague or a family member to cheer an accomplishment. We never outgrow the need for an occasional motivating acknowledgement.

Nikki accompanied Laura and me to accept a generous donation from the University Hills Rotary Club. Nikki stood before the group and told them what it meant to her to be adopted when she was a teenager.

“I had my own big family up in the stadium cheering really loud for me at my high school graduation,” she said.

I can hardly bear to think about what that graduation ceremonies are like for the young people who have no one to take pictures of them, hug them, and cheer for them.

Nikki has a little more to say. Click here to see and hear her -view Every Child Needs a Family.

It used to cost a small fortune to make an international phone call. Thanks to modern technology we can now hear and see the person we’re calling in real time.

We can sit at the television in the living room or at our computers at the office, or look at our smart-phones in the subway station and watch news unfolding half way around the globe.

For years Thomas L. Friedman has been telling us that the world is flat, and he authored a book by that title. He noted that old boundaries of walls, ceilings and floors no longer define a place of business. Tele-commuting to work is commonplace.

Internet websites and chat rooms have helped us create virtual neighborhoods. And that’s not all. We’re contributors to Wikipedia and rank our restaurant experiences and shopping successes on eBay. We write hotel reviews on Expedia.com to help our fellow travelers make informed choices.

The world of adoption is flat, too. The Hague Convention on International Adoption is changing the way the adoption community in the U.S. works and thinks. The US Department of State has issued regulations governing adoptions of children from the United States who are adopted by non-American citizens. That’s right. The borders are permeable from both sides now. There are not many outgoing adoptions taking place, but there is an increase in the numbers of non-American families from many countries who are stepping forward with offers to adopt American children featured on our agency websites.

The idea makes some people uncomfortable. They say that if we have trouble overcoming geographic barriers to adoption within the country, how we can consider leaping across the ocean to make a placement.

Some worry about American children moving to a country with different customs and where English is not the first language.

On the other hand, we know boys and girls simply need parents.

How do the children feel about it? Rachel probably said it best when she said, “It is better to have a family that loves you than to have no family at all.”

Read Dixie’s complete article on this subject in the March/April issue of Fostering Families Today magazine.

In the early 80’s I heard people talk about their wishes that they could join with one or more other adults and adopt, sharing the responsibilities of care for a child who was seriously disabled.

I remember a phone call from an agency worker in Wyoming who wanted to know if it was possible to arrange for a different sort of adoption of a preschool child whose parents’ disabilities rendered them incapable. “It breaks my heart,” the worker said. “They love their child and shouldn’t have to be penalized in order to cooperate with a plan for a safe and stable family for him.”

In 1996 Hillary Clinton (then First Lady in the United States) authored a book titled It Takes A Village. She promoted the idea of a society that comes together to meet all of the needs of its children.

Today several states have passed “second parent adoption” legislation that allows two adults who are not related by marriage to make a legal, lifetime commitment to be parents of a child.

There are lots of families of many ethnicities who are involved in customary adoptions, though the arrangements haven’t been ceremonially established by a tribe or clan leader. Many people in their fifties and sixties are raising their grandchildren.

At a recent luncheon a woman asked me what I meant by respite care*. When I described it, she said, “Oh, so that’s what I do – I provide respite care one weekend a month so my parents, who are raising my nieces, can have a break.”

Flatirons Community Church in Lafayette, CO established a sort of adoption support group for members and non-members of their congregation. Over 200 people signed up to be foster parents, adoptive parents, respite care providers, or to provide support in other ways.

The Red Rocks Church in Golden offers football clinics and other wonderful, normalizing experiences for adoptive children who are catching up on all the things they missed.

The Wednesday’s Child Connection guild of The Adoption Exchange sends birthday and holiday cards to a group of children in foster care. They’ll be collaborating with some young professionals to make Valentine packages for them in February.

I think that children blossom when they feel a community of love and support.

And I am certain that the ones who do the loving get as much as they give. Who do you know that is passing love along?

*Wickapedia: Respite care is the provision of short-term, temporary relief to those who are caring for family members who might otherwise require permanent placement in a facility outside the home. The term “short break” is often used in some countries to describe respite care.

Jamee and I were talking last week about the emotional nuances of growing up adopted. And I remembered George Dibble. In the agony of relinquishing an infant son to adoption in 2003, he poured out his grief in a song. And then he distributed it as widely as he could.

He said, “I have written a song for the child I have just put up for adoption called Unknown Son. . . . One day if this child comes looking for me I’ll know I have at least left him a trail.”

A few years later, when I called to ask if I could include the lyrics of his song in the book we published, he called me back within 45 minutes. He apologized for taking so long, saying he needed a few minutes to wipe his tears away.

There are thousands of sons and daughters who remain unknown to those who’ve lost them. I’m not saying that they are unhappy about growing up adopted or that they don’t enjoy a deep and abiding love for the parents who raised them. I’m just saying that there are emotional complexities.

And there are thousands, like George, leave a trail in hopes of one day being found.

The holidays take us on an emotional journey. We visit family and friends. We remember loved ones who are far away or have passed on.

And we emerge from our journeys ready to make promises for the coming year.

The journey through adoption isn’t much different. When it isn’t safe for children to remain with their birth families, our child protection system steps in and removes them. We promise to keep them safe.

And it has always seemed to me that we then have an obligation to give them something better, safer, and more solid than what we took away — permanent, loving families.

Thousands of American children in foster care are waiting for us to keep our promise. I can almost hear them, as if they’re sitting in the back seat of our child welfare automobile saying, “Are we there yet? Are we almost there?” Click here to view waiting children.

As adoptive families step forward to make the promise of forever, we have an obligation to help them keep their promises. We are obliged to offer support and expertise throughout their journeys. Click here for post adoption services and resources.

At The Adoption Exchange we believe it is important to support caseworkers as they work to keep their promises to the children and families they serve. Click here to view upcoming training opportunities for caseworkers and parents.

Joshua was nine years old when he wrote this poem on “Being a Foster Kid”. It was published in full in Adoption: Stories of Lives Transformed click here:

Through the holiday season we exchanged gifts, hugged, sang songs, proposed toasts and made some promises. Now it is 2011, and it is time to keep them.

Pam Kiker is a fabulous real estate business woman. She is determined to help families find the right home. She says that until the family moves into their new house it is only a house. After they move in and live there it becomes a home.

She is equally passionate about finding homes – not houses – for children who wait for moms and dads to love them and give them a place to belong.

When Pam enters a room everyone pays attention. And it isn’t long before everyone knows about her passion. She received the annual Wednesday’s Child Award from The Adoption Exchange a few weeks ago because of her dedication to the children. She accepted the award on behalf of all of the people around her who share her commitment.

Following are excerpts from her acceptance speech:

“My part in all of this was just to tell [people] about The Adoption Exchange and our mission, just as (some 19 years ago) Larry and Jill DiPasquale told me…..The power of one – just one – person…the power of one loving family, the power of one child who has been loved and becomes a productive member of society, The Power of One is among the most powerful forces in the world.



“I know that many of you have heard about the butterfly effect where one small action creates a reaction that can be felt around the world….My wish for The Adoption Exchange and the children we serve is that each one of us might create that small action, take a little piece of our hearts and create that act of love that our children will feel, that action that helps our children find permanent loving families. For we all know that every thing we do and every thing we don’t do matters.



“Remember the power that you have. Each individual…has the ability to change the world…”

Pam is one who has done that.

Home is not where you’re from.

Home is where you feel wanted.

Thanks to you 6,416 children served by The Adoption Exchange are celebrating the holidays this year where they feel wanted and loved.

They’re home.

No one can forget the day their adoption is final. Valerie shared this memory:

Upon leaving the courthouse I noticed that my daughter was intensely reading her adoption papers as if at age 7 she would be able to understand and comprehend every word. She was looking to make sure there were no mistakes!

I put my arm around her and said, “It’s final, you are legally and forever our daughter! So, what would you like to do now?”

She looked at me, smiled and boldly stated, “Dance! I want to dance!”

So with that request, we drove home, ordered Chinese food, turned on the stereo (quite loud, I may add) and danced, danced, danced!!!

Valerie works as an Adoptive Parent Liaison at Lilliput Children’s Services in California.

Here is my 2010 list.