Dixie van de Flier Davis,
Founder & President Emerita
A Teenager’s Question
We ask teenagers a lot of questions. What are you planning to do with your life? Where will you live? What kind of work will you do in the future?
Teresa responded to those queries with a question in return. “What is a future without a mom and dad?”
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Just an Ordinary Day for Santa
There was noting out of the ordinary going on as far as Santa was concerned. His helpers called out the names of the children and handed Santa the gift that had been lovingly purchased for that child. The scene is repeated thousands of times in all sorts of locations this time of year.
But in fact each child waiting to hear her name called was special in some way.
Lacey watched as her each of her brothers received a gift from jolly Santa. There were lots of children, and Santa knew who they were, even if he didn’t invite them up in order of ages or sibling groups. So Lacey waited her turn.
By the time her younger sister’s name was called, her whole family had gotten into the excitement. Cameras in hand, parents and grandparents – even her aunt and uncle – rushed up to Santa to witness the excitement. Lacey stood alone at the edge of the little crowd.
The look on her lonely face reflected her struggle to control her anxiety and longing. She managed a smile when she saw her little sister’s pleasure. But she was still waiting. At last Lacey’s name was called, and she knew for a fact that no one had forgotten her. Later I noticed that she was still smiling as she clutched her gift with both arms and cradled it close to her chest. Lacey got her turn.
Carver was also among the children that day. His path to meet Santa started differently than Lacey’s. He was born into a troubled home, where his two-year-old brother was pretty much raising himself. That little guy couldn’t possibly be a surrogate parent to Carver. And so, when he was still an infant, Carver came into foster care.
Once in foster care Carver got regular nutrition. He has had warm clothing in the winter and parents who lovingly give him the structure he needs and age-appropriate chances to play. They pick him up when he falls and comfort him when he is afraid. Medication helps manage some of the effects of Carver’s rough start in life. He benefits from the stability of foster parents who adopted him.
If not for them, Carver wouldn’t have had the freedom to just be a kid who was attending a holiday party. As he danced toward the venue where he’d soon see Santa, I overheard him tell his mom, “I love you.”
A couple of extraordinary children on an ordinary day… for Santa.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Complicated Emotions
The overlay of feelings of loss and longing are complicated. For children in foster care hope blends with despair. Anger is mixed with tenderness. The collision of emotions is complicated and confusing.
The Pew Commission invited a number of youth who had experienced foster care to express their feelings through art and poetry.
Mama, Carry Me Home
I lose my eyes at night and dream; Your face the first I see Just as tomorrow's gleam Still devastated from the day They took my brothers and I away By the look you gave me I knew I'd see you another day Over time, I've grown emotionally stronger Not wanting to feel pity; Only accepting the facts of life God has written for me Yet still I miss those days I felt the safest; from your hugs and kisses Never doubting your love for us Now you're the biggest of my misses In my sleep, I can hear the songs You used to hum and sing to me. The melody making the belief it's once again reality. These past three years haven't been so easy; Although I know things can be worse Like some days, I feel I can't walk on my own... I just need you, mama — To carry me home.
Khadijah, age 16
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
A Great Speech
For a very shy little girl, the room in that Washington DC hotel must have looked awfully big. She and her mom were asked to come to the stage, where their pictures were taken and they received an award from the Children’s Bureau.
She was dressed to the nines. And she hesitated, when her mom asked if she had something to say. A gentleman lowered the microphone so that all of us in the room could hear her.
She’d been seven years old and living in foster care in the middle of the country when a determined woman named Traci reached across state lines to claim her. The interstate compact was completed, and one more child was home.
That little girl mustered her courage and spoke. “For a long time I needed a mommy who would be good for me. And I am honored to be adopted by her.”
I’m absolutely certain that Traci gives her daughter lots of time to simply be a little girl. But on Wednesday evening her grown up words were just what we needed. That simple speech will motivate a lot of state and federal adoption and foster care administrators and managers for months to come.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
He had burns on just about every inch of his little body. As if someone had systematically pressed a hot cigarette into his tender skin over and over and over again.
If an adult approached his bed in the sparsely furnished room at the city’s general hospital, James would begin to tremble in fear and turn his head to the wall.
As if the physical scars aren’t enough, James will always carry the bruises in his heart as well.
Every single minute in the United States a child is used or abused by an adult from whom he is powerless to escape. Often the abuse is repeated again and again. According to the federal government 695,000 children are abused every year. Most of their stories are too horrific to tell. They lose their innocence, and they spend the rest of their lives attempting to patch their souls together again.
It shouldn’t happen to any of them. And it certainly shouldn’t have happened to James. But the Wyandotte County child protection team kept him from returning to his abusive circumstances.
Soon the hearts of strangers were touched, and James was given a family with protective parents to keep him safe and help him heal.
It took a long time for him to trust others. It took a long time for him to begin to believe that he is loveable. In the circle of love created by his family, he learned. Step by step he grew, and he slowly discovered that he is worthy of respect.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Cherrie’s Poem
I am a foster child
I wonder if I’ll always be
I hear people talk
I see nothing change
I want to be adopted
I am a foster child.
I pretend that I am not
I feel lonely
I worry if my dreams will
ever come true
I cry when I’m hurt
I am a foster child.
I understand I am
I say my feelings
I dream of having
a family
I try to be patient
I hope to be adopted
I am a foster child.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
The Perfect Family For Paul
Barbara loves order. She is always neatly dressed, and you’d swear she just came from the hairdresser. When she worked at The Adoption Exchange, her office was always clean. I still find files with her beautiful handwritten notes.
But Barbara says that families don’t have to be just like each other (and they certainly don’t have to be like her) to be perfect parents for the children.
She remembers the couple who asked to adopt Paul. They lived in a tiny house in a very ordinary neighborhood. They liked to run barefoot in the summer. They weren’t joggers or dieters. Their little house was pretty cluttered, and they didn’t work out in the gym.
When she visited them after Paul came into their family, she was moved. It was impossible to tell which of their children was the adopted child. No one seemed crowded by the size of the house. There was a lot of healthy hugging, and she could see Paul was drinking in their affection.
Paul’s parents are grateful that he is in their lives. And Barbara says he got just what he needed.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
I Am a Blessed Child
Those are the words she wrote. But it didn’t begin that way. Shanté came into foster care when she was eight years old. But she blossomed with the care and love of her adoptive mom. They met at school, where her mom-to be was a social worker.
“On August 28, 1991 we went down to the courtroom and everything was finalized. I was finally in a home to call my own. That’s where I stand now – in a blessed family and with friends.”
“I enjoy my family. I am a blessed child and it shows in everything I do, If there is anything in life that a child needs, it is a family. I think o child is to be lonely in these days. It only leads to destruction of a child’s life.”
Shanté is grown now, and a mother herself.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Martin and DeShawn
The children and youth are often our best teachers. One such teacher materialized at an awards ceremony in Chicago.
Martin looked very handsome and a little nervous. He was dressed in a suit and tie and stood next to his mom at the podium. They had been asked to say a few words about their adoption and to assist in the presentation of a couple of awards.
Adoption professionals in the audience beamed as they spoke. Everyone was proud, and the pride was well deserved.
After the fanfare was over, Martin turned to me and asked, “Can I look at the picture book?” Of course the answer was yes. He was referring to the photo album filled with pictures and profiles of children who were waiting for families.
I guess the time to gloat was over. Enough of that – let’s get to work!
Martin went straight to the “D” section of the alphabetically organized book. He was looking for someone in particular. “I want to know if DeShawn is still in the picture book,” he said.
Martin was a good teacher. He kept my focus where it needed to be.
I asked him to tell me about DeShawn. “He was my foster brother, and he still needs to be adopted.”
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
A Special Gift
Marcia’s birth parents loved each other and loved her as well. But cultural circumstances were stacked against them. Perhaps in today’s society they’d be able to get married and raise their little girl as a family. But thirty-three years ago that wasn’t an option for them.
They made adoption plans, and they let their precious baby go.
Every year since then during the December holidays I get out a nativity scene that they gave to me. I remember them and think of Marcia. When they gave me this gift, I appreciated it. But it took some time for me to fully grasp that a nativity scene is the perfect symbol. There are all of the figures: a mother and father welcoming a baby under impossible circumstances.
Today I boxed up the nativity scene, and I’m mailing it to Marcia. I think it belongs to her. When she uses it, she’ll remember that she has always been loved.
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Learn more about Dixie.