Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Been There
When a therapist told Barbara that she was too emotionally involved with the child in her caseload, Barbara wasn’t put off. “You’re acting like her grandmother,” the therapist accused
“Well, someone has to care!” was Barbara’s reply. She stopped listening to that therapist and found another, and she didn’t stop until she found an adoptive family for that child.
Young people know the difference between going through a system and having someone really and sincerely look out for you – someone who dares to take your future personally.
A young panelist at a national convening was courageous enough to tell us how the child welfare system felt to him as he experienced our services.
“Permanent is knowing you are wanted — having refrigerator privileges,” he said. “It means legal, physical and relational human connections.”
He told us that from his point of view the system is not set up to facilitate relationships. “Quit making policies,” he advised. “Start dealing with children individually … as a human being on this earth … as deserving to give and receive love.”
He would have liked Barbara.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Holidays and Dark Days
In Utah data documents that 57 percent of the youth who left foster care since 2002 were diagnosed with a major mental illness.
It doesn’t mean they won’t ever be able to live productive lives. But if they aren’t adopted, it means they will be completely alone to cope with the ravages of illnesses that are often misdiagnosed and misunderstood.
Though adoption doesn’t cure mental illness, adoptive families provide a safety net through the struggles. Parents ensure that their children have access to therapeutic and educational supports. They provide guidance and affirming experiences to help the troubled youth develop positive self esteem and build lasting, healthy relationships.
Unlike the supports provided by foster care, the love and commitment of permanent parents doesn’t go away when their children grow to be 18 or 21 or 35. Family is there for the long haul.
Coping with the debilitating impact of mental illness despite fears and discrimination of well meaning friends, teachers and colleagues leaves everyone feeling isolated and alone. Likewise adoptive families thrive when the community is there with resources and practical relief when needed.
It isn’t unusual for the holiday season to precipitate crises for children with mental illness. The last weeks of the year are filled with mayhem. Routines are disrupted and old (sometimes painful) memories are triggered. Extended families gather, bringing distractions, judgments, and unrealistic expectations.
There is a wide array of professional support available for adoptive families any time of year. There are free lending libraries, support groups, referrals for psychotherapy, training workshops, and more.
The volunteers who manage an organization called CHART know what the darkest days can be like for adopted adolescents who have mental illnesses. They understand the devastating ripples that leave everyone in the family feeling battered and emotionally drained. Information, moral support and financial assistance are made available to families facing the crisis of residential treatment.
CHART is one of the places families can turn for support to help you keep the promise of forever. To learn more about it go to www.chartrtc.org.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
He had burns on just about every inch of his little body. As if someone had systematically pressed a hot cigarette into his tender skin over and over and over again.
If an adult approached his bed in the sparsely furnished room at the city’s general hospital, James would begin to tremble in fear and turn his head to the wall.
As if the physical scars aren’t enough, James will always carry the bruises in his heart as well.
Every single minute in the United States a child is used or abused by an adult from whom he is powerless to escape. Often the abuse is repeated again and again. According to the federal government 695,000 children are abused every year. Most of their stories are too horrific to tell. They lose their innocence, and they spend the rest of their lives attempting to patch their souls together again.
It shouldn’t happen to any of them. And it certainly shouldn’t have happened to James. But the Wyandotte County child protection team kept him from returning to his abusive circumstances.
Soon the hearts of strangers were touched, and James was given a family with protective parents to keep him safe and help him heal.
It took a long time for him to trust others. It took a long time for him to begin to believe that he is loveable. In the circle of love created by his family, he learned. Step by step he grew, and he slowly discovered that he is worthy of respect.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
I Am a Blessed Child
Those are the words she wrote. But it didn’t begin that way. Shanté came into foster care when she was eight years old. But she blossomed with the care and love of her adoptive mom. They met at school, where her mom-to be was a social worker.
“On August 28, 1991 we went down to the courtroom and everything was finalized. I was finally in a home to call my own. That’s where I stand now – in a blessed family and with friends.”
“I enjoy my family. I am a blessed child and it shows in everything I do, If there is anything in life that a child needs, it is a family. I think o child is to be lonely in these days. It only leads to destruction of a child’s life.”
Shanté is grown now, and a mother herself.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Martin and DeShawn
The children and youth are often our best teachers. One such teacher materialized at an awards ceremony in Chicago.
Martin looked very handsome and a little nervous. He was dressed in a suit and tie and stood next to his mom at the podium. They had been asked to say a few words about their adoption and to assist in the presentation of a couple of awards.
Adoption professionals in the audience beamed as they spoke. Everyone was proud, and the pride was well deserved.
After the fanfare was over, Martin turned to me and asked, “Can I look at the picture book?” Of course the answer was yes. He was referring to the photo album filled with pictures and profiles of children who were waiting for families.
I guess the time to gloat was over. Enough of that – let’s get to work!
Martin went straight to the “D” section of the alphabetically organized book. He was looking for someone in particular. “I want to know if DeShawn is still in the picture book,” he said.
Martin was a good teacher. He kept my focus where it needed to be.
I asked him to tell me about DeShawn. “He was my foster brother, and he still needs to be adopted.”
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Superlatives
I’ve been reading through some papers I set aside. There are notes from children and youth and from social workers and from parents. Teenagers use superlative language in liberal amounts. We often hear their annoyances expressed in aggressive tones. But they are equally effusive about good things in their lives.
A couple of years ago this is what Kirsten wrote:
Hi! My name is Kirsten and I am on this Adoption Exchange! I am so happy with the outcome…I have found a family that I love…well, you guys found them. They are so good to me, and I feel so loved and cared for…
….Seriously, I am not too happy with a lot of things that come about the foster care system but I am glad I had high hopes and did not give up….I am so welcomed and loved here! ….
….I was in foster care five years….I have hurt a lot….and I strongly believe that foster are is o place for any kid to grow up in….I am so lucky and privileged to have a family! I honestly couldn’t ask for me! They are wonderful! You guys have found a wonderful family and I thank you so much! I am so happy here…happier than ever!
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
What Bob Taught Me
They say it takes a village. And I think it has taken a entire population to raise me. Fortunately I’ve had some great coaches. I’m deeply grateful to each one of us.
Some of you know who you are because you had to grab me by the collar to get my attention. Others of you have taught me by the way you’ve lived your lives.
Bob has been one of my teachers. In the first decade of The Adoption Exchange, he made his legal services available pro bono. For anything we needed.
And then he volunteered his time to help raise money, plan events, and develop corporate policies and procedures.
Bob spent many, many hours, always smiling. He didn’t have an adoption history that I knew of. And he didn’t have self interests to protect. He just did it. So one day I naively asked him what motivated him.
“It’s the right thing to do,” he said.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
A Rebuke
Danielle Bush was a 16 year old in foster care when she wrote these words and shared them with members of Congress:
Our Cry
(Foster children of Today’s World)
We are lost, surrounded on all sides by pure
darkness
We are alone, with no one to follow
We look up to the sky and we call on our creator
We ask him to guide us to safety
We hear no response so we continue to stand
there in the darkness
We put our hands together and close our eyes
We try to think but our minds show us nothing
but the darkness our eyes see
We hear a voice in the distance but we can’t
understand what it is saying
We try to follow the voice
One by one we are swallowed into the blackness
that surrounds us
The voice continues to speak from a distance
There are two children left, they are trying to
find the voice
They cry out for help but the response is still
unclear
They continue to walk until one of the two
children is swallowed
The last child screams into the blackness
Did you even try to find us or did you just think we
would find you? Do you not understand that as we
tried to find you the blackness has swallowed us up
one by one? Did your heart not tell you to come
farther to find us? Did you not know that we were
blind and could not survive alone? When we needed
you the most you let us down. Now we have been
swallowed by this blackness and it will be
harder to reach us!
I believe that our actions form our reply to Danielle. In dedicating our hearts to the mission and our skills to the work of giving every vulnerable child a safe and loving family, we tell Danielle, “We heard your cry. We are listening. And we won’t give up for you.”
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Another Poem
I found this poem by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D., in a book titled A Grateful Heart.
As a child
I was told and believed
that there was a treasure
buried beneath every rainbow.
I believed it so much that
I have been unsuccessfully
chasing rainbows
most of my life.
I wonder why
no one ever told me
that the rainbow
and the treasure
were both
within me.
Thanks to all of the therapists, lay counselors, teachers, aunts, uncles, and adoptive parents who help the children find the treasures within themselves.
M.J. Ryan, Editor, A Grateful Heart, Conari Press, Berkeley, CA, 1994.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Myron’s Caseworker
Myron is now on his own. He was raised by a system, not a family. And, thanks to a few people who went beyond the minimal expectations, he worked through the worst parts and grew into a fine young man who is now in his late twenties.
When he spoke to a room full of people, he had our undivided attention.
Like a number of adolescents, Myron tried running away from foster care, and he had some brushes with the correction system. “There is no such thing as a pillow or any kind of comfort on the street,” he said.
“On the street we were all looking for a family. We found “friends” on the street, and we became family to each other, until one of us got put in jail …..or drowned.”
At a time when he needed more than anything else to have someone in his life who’d see the possibilities in him, Myron remembers a probation officer saying, “You’re just another 50 cents in my pay check.”
“When I graduated [from high school] I wanted to find him and rub his nose in it.”
And then Myron shared his memories about some key people who “respected me and let me be myself.”
There is a family who eventually took him into their hearts and remain a steady force in his life. “I have someone there now – for back-up,” as he describes it.
And there was one very special caseworker. Myron dares to think there were two things that made her happy — to see him graduate and to see his brother get out of jail.
At last, as he was about to leave the child welfare system he discovered that he was in fact important to a tiny selection of people who wanted the best for him. And that is what it took for him to see the best in himself.
“I wondered if she [his caseworker] would be there for my graduation. And she was. I saw her there waving! Afterward I ran over and gave her such a big hug.”
In the news we hear about the times when people who work in child welfare mess up. Myron’s caseworker is like lots of others who strive to give the best the system can offer to the children it serves. They get up on week day and weekend mornings, put on their work clothes and stand in for absent parents on birthdays, at court hearings and at graduations.
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