Dixie van de Flier Davis,
Founder & President Emerita
Treasures of a Different Sort
Today some of our staff begin to do some story telling. Faye Gardner agreed to write one of her favorite memories as a guest blogger here.
Throughout the year, The Adoption Exchange hosts adoption networking parties, which offer opportunities for prospective adoptive families, children, and caseworkers to connect while in a safe, relaxed, fun environment. In Colorado at the end of each party, every child who attends picks a toy from The Adoption Exchange’s treasure chests to take with them; this includes the birth children of foster or prospective adoptive parents as well as all of the waiting children.
A few years ago, I was helping with the adoption networking party at Boondocks Fun Center in Northglenn. The children were having a wonderful time, and the prospective adoptive parents were enjoying many fun activities as they played, talked and ate pizza with the children. I had the enviable job of helping set up the toy chests and making sure each child had a turn to go to one of the five toy chests to pick out his or her prize.
I watched when a boy about 10 years old dug through all of the treasures in his assigned toy chest and pulled out a wooden photo frame with a large, plastic horse head glued to one corner of the photo frame. It was the kind of photo frame that most 10 year old boys like and most adult women do not.
With a big smile on his face, David went over to his mom and said, “Look what I got for you!” With a shocked look on her face, his mom replied, “Wow! Thank you so much!” His dad said approvingly, “That was really kind of you.”
Isn’t that what moms and dads and families are all about? Our children bring us gifts that express their thoughtfulness and even if they are not items we would pick out, we thank them and are pleased at their generosity. I still hang the Christmas tree ornament that’s supposed to be a small tree but looks like a bunch of oddly shaped grapes with red glitter on them that my son made for me in preschool. I possess colorful art projects made lovingly just for me by my older daughter when she was in elementary school. I still have the carved wooden eagle that was purchased especially for me in Mexico by my then nine-year-old younger daughter.
I want that opportunity for all of our waiting children—to be able to give mom or dad that “awfully” beautiful object they made or chose just for them, to see the love in their mom or dad’s eyes as they thank them for the gift, to carry that beautiful memory with them well into their adult years. Those opportunities and the memories they generate are the real treasures in all of our lives.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis,
Founder & President Emerita
A Mother’s Joy
We have you home now!
Your shoes light up as you walk,
Just as my heart does.
Ann Fleming, Des Moines, IA
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis,
Founder & President Emerita
Jackie
Love is transformative for everyone involved. Jackie describes how she is impacted by her adopted children with these profound words:
“Hope may not see, but she can hear the birds sing and her eyes flutter when the wind blows. Matthew may not be able to walk, but his smile greets me every morning. Steven may not be able to speak, but I can hear him say he loves me hundreds of times a day.”
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Anthony Claims His Family
After his adoption was final and he’d had time to discover what “permanent” means, Anthony was interviewed by a news reporter.
They stood outside the family home on a sunny afternoon. A basketball hoop over the garage door sent a signal to the neighborhood that an energetic boy lived there.
Anthony pointed to a place in the concrete where he’d been allowed to carve his name before the concrete set.
“This is my home!” he proudly announced.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
A Mother Claims Her Son
Perhaps the poet was a man. And perhaps the subject of the poem is a girl. The author is unknown. But the act of claiming a child is familiar to every adoptive parent.
I did not plant you.
True.
But when the season is done
When the alternate
prayers for sun
and for rain
are counted
When the pain
of weeding
and the pride
of watching are through
Then I will hold you high.
A shining sheaf
above the thousand
seed grown wild.
Not my planting
But my heaven
my harvest
my child.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Just an Ordinary Day for Santa
There was noting out of the ordinary going on as far as Santa was concerned. His helpers called out the names of the children and handed Santa the gift that had been lovingly purchased for that child. The scene is repeated thousands of times in all sorts of locations this time of year.
But in fact each child waiting to hear her name called was special in some way.
Lacey watched as her each of her brothers received a gift from jolly Santa. There were lots of children, and Santa knew who they were, even if he didn’t invite them up in order of ages or sibling groups. So Lacey waited her turn.
By the time her younger sister’s name was called, her whole family had gotten into the excitement. Cameras in hand, parents and grandparents – even her aunt and uncle – rushed up to Santa to witness the excitement. Lacey stood alone at the edge of the little crowd.
The look on her lonely face reflected her struggle to control her anxiety and longing. She managed a smile when she saw her little sister’s pleasure. But she was still waiting. At last Lacey’s name was called, and she knew for a fact that no one had forgotten her. Later I noticed that she was still smiling as she clutched her gift with both arms and cradled it close to her chest. Lacey got her turn.
Carver was also among the children that day. His path to meet Santa started differently than Lacey’s. He was born into a troubled home, where his two-year-old brother was pretty much raising himself. That little guy couldn’t possibly be a surrogate parent to Carver. And so, when he was still an infant, Carver came into foster care.
Once in foster care Carver got regular nutrition. He has had warm clothing in the winter and parents who lovingly give him the structure he needs and age-appropriate chances to play. They pick him up when he falls and comfort him when he is afraid. Medication helps manage some of the effects of Carver’s rough start in life. He benefits from the stability of foster parents who adopted him.
If not for them, Carver wouldn’t have had the freedom to just be a kid who was attending a holiday party. As he danced toward the venue where he’d soon see Santa, I overheard him tell his mom, “I love you.”
A couple of extraordinary children on an ordinary day… for Santa.
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Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Real Life
Over a cup of coffee this week Sue Mohrman reminded me that life is full of losses. She isn’t a cancer survivor. She is a “thriver”. She recently published* her reflections on the emotional struggles of her journey through the corridors of fear and devastation to emerge renewed.
Sue mentioned the universal process of losing a dream or expectations we have of our selves when we face real life experiences. The conversation reminded me of some of the unforgettable words of Dr. Barbara Tremetiere, adoptive mother, therapist and trainer.
Standing before a room full of adoptive parents, Barbara knew the moms and dads in the room had gone into adoption with notions of what they’d be like as parents. She also knew that reality ruthlessly shatters pre-conceived images and not one person in the room was 100% satisfied with themselves. We never are.
“I’d thought a lot about it,” she began. “I knew without a doubt that I’d be a good mom. I had images of sitting serenely with a child on my lap and my other children gathered at my feet. They would smile lovingly up at me and call me blessed.” The knowing laughter in the room confirmed that we all have trouble living up to our own expectations.
In real life, when some of Barbara’s children joined the family, they were already taller than she was. Wounded and angry from the experiences that brought them into foster care, they didn’t sit still long enough to notice much. They certainly didn’t see her the way she’d imagined she’d be. And it didn’t take long for her to realize it wasn’t working out the way she’d pictured.
We aren’t perfect, after all. But it is painful to not even come close.
The Education Center of The Adoption Exchange offers classes on a wide range of subjects for parents and professionals. They aren’t designed to help you become the legendary Cleaver family. We are pretty sure that isn’t going to happen. What will take place is that you’ll meet other wonderful and imperfect people who are there as trainers and participants (all are both, just as you are). The workshops and seminars are created to help you grow and thrive in your own reality.
The more we know about the specific challenges in our lives, the easier it is to create realistic expectations of our selves and others.
You can check the schedule by clicking here. Or to find out about how to bring these growing opportunities to your local community contact Dan Mills, Senior Director of Education at dan@adoptex.org.
Mohrman, Sue. Journey to Renewal. Tattered Cover Press, 2012.*
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Almost 18
Recently Reggie Bicha, Executive Director of Colorado Department of Human Services, noted that in the state where he lives and works there are 43 youth in foster care who are 17 years old and in danger of emancipating from the child welfare system with no family.
When he said those words, I thought of Tamika, who was almost 18 years old when her adoptive family discovered her. It took 13 months from the time we were able to begin recruiting a family. And … just when other adolescents were counting the days until they could leave home, Tamika at last got a home where she would stay. A home where she belongs.
Why do we think 18 is a magic number? We know young people aren’t ready to be alone in the world before they’re twenty. Or twenty six. In fact, we aren’t ever ready to be entirely alone in the world.
Time is running out for the youth who are approaching 18. If you have a place in your heart for an older adolescent, send us an email or give us a call.
Meet Chanson, Amy Jo, Justin, Andrew, April, Stephen, and Emily.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Taking Risks
The following words are credited to several people. Joseph Lawler claims to have written them. Others credit William Ward or Janet Land.
The Dilemma
- To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
- To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
- To reach out for another is to risk involvement
- To expose feelings is to risk rejection.
- To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.
- To love is to risk not being loved in return.
- To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.
I am grateful every day for the adoptive families who take the risks of loving.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Mike is Famous, Mom!
Laurie has been an inspiration to lots of us for lots of years.
She talked openly about some of her family’s adoption experiences in an article published by the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.*
“Like many families we adopted adolescents simply because we became aware of their urgent need for family stability,” she said. When Sarah and Michael arrived, they stretched the family count to ten.
Laurie always shared her stories with insight and humor.
“We knew they needed love and security. We also knew they would probably resist much closeness for quite a while. After all, they had no reason to trust adults. The traditional concept of family held little meaning for them.”
Mike didn’t experience much success at school. But shortly after he became part of the family one of the younger children announced, “Mike’s famous, Mom! Lots of times I hear his name over the loud speaker at school — Michael Flynn, come to the office.”
*Change, a Juvenile Justice Quarterly. Vol. IV, No. 3, Fall 1980.
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