Dixie van de Flier Davis,
Founder & President Emerita
Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents
James and Maria have 13 children, though James can’t remember off hand how many are adopted. They’re just a family, even though their family may seem different than some.
Noel’s mother died when she was fifteen. That loss combined with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and other circumstances. Noel’s emotional state and her behavior left no place other than a residential treatment center for her to go. Except for one thing — James worked at that center.
Before long Noel joined James and Maria’s family. In the Native American tradition, the whole family joined together for a year of mourning Noel’s birth mother. At the twelve month mark, they all participated in a customary ritual to let go, and Noel was formally adopted into the family.
James and Maria are proud grandparents of children they would never have had in their lives if they hadn’t let themselves love Noel and her first mother, and a woman they’d never met.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Frankie Is Loved
The energy level climbs when Frankie arrives on the scene. His grandparents are obviously thrilled to see him and can’t wait to show him off to extended family members.
Frankie is a little shy, but he warms up to strangers. He knows he is in a safe environment.
When the attention becomes a little too intense, he finds shelter on his mother’s lap. As his mom tenderly holds him, she whispers in his ears. And he melts into her embrace.
I wish every little boy and girl were safe and loved, like Frankie.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
A Great Email
I could try to describe how adoption transforms lives. I might attempt to tell you stories to help you understand that we have the power to create the future. But it’s difficult to find words as profound as the truth.
But we don’t always need paragraphs or pages to describe how the world can change by our actions. Sometimes one sentence is enough to get a good idea of things that have happened through a series of hundreds of events over a dozen or more years.
This is an email message that made me smile and smile: “I was adopted through you, so it’s my turn to help!”
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Daniel’s Comments on Self Esteem
Things people say to us and the way we are treated as we grow up have a powerful impact on how we see our selves. Healthy people (young and old) are people who have been valued and thereby know they are loveable and valuable people.
Children who are told by gesture or words that they matter very little, spend their young adulthoods trying to fill the empty places in their hearts.
Daniel described the challenge with eloquence. He said that he needed help after being adopted. He remembered his journey through foster care, moving from house-to-house-to-house with his meager belongings loaded into a trash bag … before he moved home.
“I wasn’t sure whether my stuff was trash or if I was trash,” he said.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Been There
When a therapist told Barbara that she was too emotionally involved with the child in her caseload, Barbara wasn’t put off. “You’re acting like her grandmother,” the therapist accused
“Well, someone has to care!” was Barbara’s reply. She stopped listening to that therapist and found another, and she didn’t stop until she found an adoptive family for that child.
Young people know the difference between going through a system and having someone really and sincerely look out for you – someone who dares to take your future personally.
A young panelist at a national convening was courageous enough to tell us how the child welfare system felt to him as he experienced our services.
“Permanent is knowing you are wanted — having refrigerator privileges,” he said. “It means legal, physical and relational human connections.”
He told us that from his point of view the system is not set up to facilitate relationships. “Quit making policies,” he advised. “Start dealing with children individually … as a human being on this earth … as deserving to give and receive love.”
He would have liked Barbara.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Holidays and Dark Days
In Utah data documents that 57 percent of the youth who left foster care since 2002 were diagnosed with a major mental illness.
It doesn’t mean they won’t ever be able to live productive lives. But if they aren’t adopted, it means they will be completely alone to cope with the ravages of illnesses that are often misdiagnosed and misunderstood.
Though adoption doesn’t cure mental illness, adoptive families provide a safety net through the struggles. Parents ensure that their children have access to therapeutic and educational supports. They provide guidance and affirming experiences to help the troubled youth develop positive self esteem and build lasting, healthy relationships.
Unlike the supports provided by foster care, the love and commitment of permanent parents doesn’t go away when their children grow to be 18 or 21 or 35. Family is there for the long haul.
Coping with the debilitating impact of mental illness despite fears and discrimination of well meaning friends, teachers and colleagues leaves everyone feeling isolated and alone. Likewise adoptive families thrive when the community is there with resources and practical relief when needed.
It isn’t unusual for the holiday season to precipitate crises for children with mental illness. The last weeks of the year are filled with mayhem. Routines are disrupted and old (sometimes painful) memories are triggered. Extended families gather, bringing distractions, judgments, and unrealistic expectations.
There is a wide array of professional support available for adoptive families any time of year. There are free lending libraries, support groups, referrals for psychotherapy, training workshops, and more.
The volunteers who manage an organization called CHART know what the darkest days can be like for adopted adolescents who have mental illnesses. They understand the devastating ripples that leave everyone in the family feeling battered and emotionally drained. Information, moral support and financial assistance are made available to families facing the crisis of residential treatment.
CHART is one of the places families can turn for support to help you keep the promise of forever. To learn more about it go to www.chartrtc.org.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Real Life
Over a cup of coffee this week Sue Mohrman reminded me that life is full of losses. She isn’t a cancer survivor. She is a “thriver”. She recently published* her reflections on the emotional struggles of her journey through the corridors of fear and devastation to emerge renewed.
Sue mentioned the universal process of losing a dream or expectations we have of our selves when we face real life experiences. The conversation reminded me of some of the unforgettable words of Dr. Barbara Tremetiere, adoptive mother, therapist and trainer.
Standing before a room full of adoptive parents, Barbara knew the moms and dads in the room had gone into adoption with notions of what they’d be like as parents. She also knew that reality ruthlessly shatters pre-conceived images and not one person in the room was 100% satisfied with themselves. We never are.
“I’d thought a lot about it,” she began. “I knew without a doubt that I’d be a good mom. I had images of sitting serenely with a child on my lap and my other children gathered at my feet. They would smile lovingly up at me and call me blessed.” The knowing laughter in the room confirmed that we all have trouble living up to our own expectations.
In real life, when some of Barbara’s children joined the family, they were already taller than she was. Wounded and angry from the experiences that brought them into foster care, they didn’t sit still long enough to notice much. They certainly didn’t see her the way she’d imagined she’d be. And it didn’t take long for her to realize it wasn’t working out the way she’d pictured.
We aren’t perfect, after all. But it is painful to not even come close.
The Education Center of The Adoption Exchange offers classes on a wide range of subjects for parents and professionals. They aren’t designed to help you become the legendary Cleaver family. We are pretty sure that isn’t going to happen. What will take place is that you’ll meet other wonderful and imperfect people who are there as trainers and participants (all are both, just as you are). The workshops and seminars are created to help you grow and thrive in your own reality.
The more we know about the specific challenges in our lives, the easier it is to create realistic expectations of our selves and others.
You can check the schedule by clicking here. Or to find out about how to bring these growing opportunities to your local community contact Dan Mills, Senior Director of Education at dan@adoptex.org.
Mohrman, Sue. Journey to Renewal. Tattered Cover Press, 2012.*
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Almost 18
Recently Reggie Bicha, Executive Director of Colorado Department of Human Services, noted that in the state where he lives and works there are 43 youth in foster care who are 17 years old and in danger of emancipating from the child welfare system with no family.
When he said those words, I thought of Tamika, who was almost 18 years old when her adoptive family discovered her. It took 13 months from the time we were able to begin recruiting a family. And … just when other adolescents were counting the days until they could leave home, Tamika at last got a home where she would stay. A home where she belongs.
Why do we think 18 is a magic number? We know young people aren’t ready to be alone in the world before they’re twenty. Or twenty six. In fact, we aren’t ever ready to be entirely alone in the world.
Time is running out for the youth who are approaching 18. If you have a place in your heart for an older adolescent, send us an email or give us a call.
Meet Chanson, Amy Jo, Justin, Andrew, April, Stephen, and Emily.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
Taking Risks
The following words are credited to several people. Joseph Lawler claims to have written them. Others credit William Ward or Janet Land.
The Dilemma
- To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
- To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
- To reach out for another is to risk involvement
- To expose feelings is to risk rejection.
- To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.
- To love is to risk not being loved in return.
- To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.
I am grateful every day for the adoptive families who take the risks of loving.
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Learn more about Dixie.
Dixie van de Flier Davis, Executive Director
The Lighter Side
Laughter is good medicine. Psychologists have noted that a sense of humor can also be an indicator of mental health.
I’ve often heard adoptive parents talk about helping to teach their children how to enjoy a good joke. There hasn’t been much to laugh about in their lives. So it takes time to relax and appreciate nonsense. And even longer to learn to appreciate a joke on themselves.
Family humor is great medicine. Groucho Marx said it works faster than an aspirin when you’re feeling a little pain. And as an outlook on the world, humor allows us to put life’s absurdities into perspective. Laughter helps us cope with disappointments, fears, failures, joys and tenderness.
It must be a fabulous feeling for a youngster who spent years feeling like he’s on the outside to finally be on the “inside” of a favorite family joke.
Author Henry Miller said, “A clown is a poet in action.”
So when I hear a mom say, “Okay, it’s time to quit goofing off,” I know there are some healthy poets in that family.
We should all clown around more.
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Learn more about Dixie.