She is a lovely, down to earth young woman. So I was a little surprised by what she said.

Ellen got married a few months ago, and she doesn’t like her in-laws. “Well, I didn’t marry them. I married Dave,” she said, dismissively.

Oh, oh! I wonder how long it is going to take her to catch on that she married his family, too. The clinging mother, the spoiled sister, the favored brother and the emotionally unavailable father. She gets the whole in-law package. Not just the bow on top.

Sometimes when people think about adopting, they think of the day the child comes into their family as a brand new start. And in a way it is.

But the past walks in the door right along with the child. She brings her memories and attachments to healthy and not-so-healthy relationships. She brings her losses and fears and disappointments. She brings her nightmares and her adaptive behaviors.

You might say that the adoptive family merges with the ghosts of their child’s birth and prior foster families.

That’s why adoption caseworkers insist that families participate in preparation classes. And that’s why friends, family, knowledgeable therapists and community supports are so important.

Nancy Ng, adoptive mother and psychotherapist, wrote “…as real, as indispensable, as vital as love is, it cannot alter reality…The miracle of parental love is not that it makes everything better, but that it allows for all possibility.”

Because we know this life long journey brings the unexpected, along with the usual challenges of parenthood, The Adoption Exchange offers a wide range of post-adoption training and support services.


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