Archive for January, 2010
Dr. Dixie van de Flier Davis
Kristi’s Untitled Poem
I recently posted a blog about how the past continues to live with us in the present. I think Kristi’s poem expresses that reality in the profound observations of a teenage girl. She wrote it for a school assignment, folded it and gave it to her mom in an off-handed way following a particularly difficult time between them.
I am from adoption
I am from camping, fishing and mountains
I am from my Mom and Dad
Who rescued me when I was a baby
I am from cornflakes and frozen blueberries
I am from ragdolls and stuffed animals
I am from a neighborhood with a fishing hole
I am from five pound fish that we all catch
I am from six dogs playing in the yard
I am from cleaning up their messes
I am from a school that teaches me what I want to learn
I am from brothers and sisters that drive me crazy, but I still love them
I am from the “I love you’s” that my mom always says
I am from the soul of the Lord, and the whistling of the wind
I am from something bad and something good.
Kristi’s past is with her in the beginning of her poem, and it is still there at the end. It will always be part of her.
Nancy Ng wrote, “The miracle of adoption is not cure; it is commitment.” Among the resources available through her support organization, FAIR is a recently released DVD titled Sorta Happy, Sorta Sad.
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Dr. Dixie van de Flier Davis
The Past is Part of the Present
She is a lovely, down to earth young woman. So I was a little surprised by what she said.
Ellen got married a few months ago, and she doesn’t like her in-laws. “Well, I didn’t marry them. I married Dave,” she said, dismissively.
Oh, oh! I wonder how long it is going to take her to catch on that she married his family, too. The clinging mother, the spoiled sister, the favored brother and the emotionally unavailable father. She gets the whole in-law package. Not just the bow on top.
Sometimes when people think about adopting, they think of the day the child comes into their family as a brand new start. And in a way it is.
But the past walks in the door right along with the child. She brings her memories and attachments to healthy and not-so-healthy relationships. She brings her losses and fears and disappointments. She brings her nightmares and her adaptive behaviors.
You might say that the adoptive family merges with the ghosts of their child’s birth and prior foster families.
That’s why adoption caseworkers insist that families participate in preparation classes. And that’s why friends, family, knowledgeable therapists and community supports are so important.
Nancy Ng, adoptive mother and psychotherapist, wrote “…as real, as indispensable, as vital as love is, it cannot alter reality…The miracle of parental love is not that it makes everything better, but that it allows for all possibility.”
Because we know this life long journey brings the unexpected, along with the usual challenges of parenthood, The Adoption Exchange offers a wide range of post-adoption training and support services.
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Dr. Dixie van de Flier Davis
Justin Shouldn’t Have To Worry
Justin was a little worried when I saw him at our annual summer adoption matching party in Colorado. For some reason our staff didn’t know he would be coming to the party, and so his photograph didn’t get included in the little booklet made up for the event.
Volunteers at the party took a Polaroid photograph of every child in attendance (including Justin) and posted them on a bulletin board to help parents find the child(ren) they wanted to meet. So he wasn’t overlooked.
But he needed a little extra attention.
So Justin and I found his photograph in our big picture book, too. We put a marker there – just to make sure that no one at the party would miss him.
Can you imagine being nine years old at a party and thinking no one will find you and become your parent? Justin shouldn’t have to worry about such a thing. No child should.
A few minutes later a prospective mom and dad stopped to visit with me. They were waiting to hear about their quest to adopt a sibling group from Missouri, and the wait was hard to endure. So they came to the party to be around some of the children and get encouragement from our staff.
Of course – as if doing the job he’d delegated to me – I showed them Justin’s picture. They chocked up as they looked at his photograph and others in the picture book of waiting children.
“These are lives!” they exclaimed. “These aren’t just pieces of paper in this book. . . . these are children who need moms and dads.”
I couldn’t have said it better.
And what about Justin? He has a family now.
But there is another nine year old boy who is waiting to be found. Meet Ramon
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Join Dixie in the Count Up to 6,000 Adoption Placements!
Dr. Dixie van de Flier Davis
Growing up is a big job. There are lots of challenges along the way. Fortunately most young people have parents to help them through the tough spots.
But data released by the U.S. government in 2009 tells us:
That seems to be the way it is in America. Young people need parents for a long time after they reach legal adulthood.
So here is my question: If every year 29,000 young people emancipate from foster care at age 18 without parents, how are they going to get through? What are they going to do?
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Learn more about Dixie.
Join Dixie in the Count Up to 6,000 Adoption Placements!