“I don’t have to have the feeling that there is an empty spot in my heart anymore.”

Reina, speaking about her adoption

Ray Martinez spent his first years in a Colorado orphanage. He remembers listening to heels clicking against the floor at night as he fell asleep.

One night the clicking noise stopped next to him, and he was lifted out of his bed. A gentle voice whispered to him and asked him to be quiet so he wouldn’t wake the other children.

That person carried him to the arms of a loving couple who became his adoptive parents.

As Ray told his story to adoption professionals this spring, every person in the room was drawn into her own memories. In the room were people who had performed similar acts with other children.

Later in the day Jennifer remarked about her thoughts as she heard Ray speak. “What about the other children who also listened to the heels clicking on the floor…..and wished those heels would one day stop for them?”

It hurts to think about the children who are left behind.

You can read Ray’s story in his book, Baby Boy R. Visit his website at www.raymartinez.com.

Jack Kornfield wrote a book titled The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace. He reasons, “Forgiveness releases us from the power of fear. It allows us to see with kindly eyes and rest in a wise heart.”

Who wouldn’t want to see with kindly eyes? Who wouldn’t want to live with a wise heart?

Adoptive parents know that forgiveness is the necessary beginning for healing. But knowing isn’t doing. It’s human nature to cling to our anger and fear.

In the world of adopting there is plenty to make us angry. We hate what has happened to the children.

We loath the abuses, neglect, systemic delays, and misguided good intentions. So we have lots of chances to exercise forgiveness.

Any of us who know Kathy are very aware that she and her adopted son, Wayne, are incredibly close. But loving from a wise heart took a bit of time.

In the first months after adopting, Kathy remembers how fearful she was to share with her husband that she wasn’t emotionally attached to their son in the way she thought she should be. The admission itself brought immediate relief. Hearing her husband express his own fears helped set the stage for her to forgive herself for not being the perfect mom.

The ability to see herself, her husband, and each of their children through what Kornfield calls “kindly eyes” began to take shape.

Thirty years have passed. Wayne’s disabilities mean that Kathy and her husband are not empty-netsters like most of their contemporaries. They never will be. And Kathy says, “That’s okay with us.”

I think Kathy learned long ago not to try to change everyone else. But love changes the one who does the loving. Today when Kathy speaks about her family and the future, it is obvious that her words are spoken from a “wise heart.”

And I’d have to say that she has in fact been the perfect mom for Wayne.

Today I’m grateful for all of the caseworkers, therapists, decision makers, donors, legislators, volunteers and adoptive parents who “see the sun” and give it space to shine.

You may think
I am a shadow,
But inside
I am a sun.

Damia Gates
Grade 4, Allendale Elementary School, California

Brian recalls his initial meeting with Benjamin, who smiled, yelled, stomped his feet, screamed and refused to talk. In fact, experts had predicted that Benjamin might never speak…At their first meeting, Brian sat quietly across the room, holding a teddy bear and a book. After approaching him, giggling and running away repeatedly, little Benjamin shyly climbed into Brian’s lap, placed his hand on Brian’s face, and said, “Daddy!”

….It must have been a seminal moment for the little boy. When Brian recently asked Benjamin what his greatest memory is about the adoption process, he stated, “I remember calling you ‘Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!’ because I was so excited.”

Voice For Adoption shared Brian and Benjamin’s story with members of Congress through its annual Adoptive Family Portrait Project.

Voice for Adoption is a national advocacy organization, based in Washington DC. Nicole Dobbins, it’s Executive Director, knows what she is talking about when she describes the children in foster care. A few years ago she was one of them.

She wrote, “Children in foster care especially deserve, and want more than anything, for someone to hold them close to their hearts, nurture and cherish them. It is amazing what miracles can do and how severe trauma can be overcome when these children are placed in such an environment where they are loved, embraced and given an opportunity to flourish.”

Click here for more information on Voice for Adoption.

Today Allan is reflecting on the incredible outcome of adoption. He just learned that he will soon be a great-grandfather.

He said, “This never would have happened to me if my son had not adopted my grandson!”

Everybody is pretty excited. And I’m smiling at the thought of this new life that is eagerly awaited. He will be safe, and will be loved without abandon.

Everybody in the family helps to make the adoption a success. Children in the family help decide who should be adopted. And waiting children speak up.

Here are some examples:

• When nine year old Vickie and her parents went to court, she told the judge she didn’t just want to be adopted – she wanted to adopt her family also. So the judge prepared an adoption document for her to sign, reminding her that being a successful family is about giving as well as getting. And she adopted them all – grandparents included.

• Heather went online and submitted inquiries for the children that she thought would fit in her family. When our staff responded and asked a few questions, Heather said that since she is 12 years old, she’d need to discuss it with her parents. She did, and they moved forward.

• Jacob was pretty impressed by a family he met at an adoption party. He and his siblings had been separated into two foster homes. They were so, so glad to see each other and get a chance to play together at the party. But Jason was working the room, so to speak. And he found what he was looking for. So he told his caseworker, “They’d be a good family for me and my brothers and sister.” He was right, and they’re a family now.

Behavior management is a pretty cold term. Who wants to do behavior management? People don’t adopt in order to spend their time managing behavior. People adopt because they want relationships.

Jeffrey Haugaard, Ph.D, reported on research conducted at Cornell University. Behavior management (there’s that term again!) of two parent families who had adopted school aged children were studied.

Dr. Haugaard reported that couples who agree on their behavior management methods had success. Couples who disagreed were raising children whose behavior continued to get worse.

The research suggests that the method of behavior management is less important than agreeing.

So that might mean that adoptive couples would benefit more from intervention for themselves on how to arrive at agreement than they would from training on how to manage difficult behavior.

Like most things in life, the outcomes have everything to do with relationships.

It’s a legal process. It is a social process (extended family, neighbors, friends). And it is an emotional process (for everyone).

Janeen’s foster parents were pretty excited when they told her they’d decided to adopt her. They’d thought about it for a long time. And they were ready to make a permanent commitment to love her, keep her safe, and make her part of their family for always.

Since Janeen was a teenager, Chuck and Judy knew her reaction could range from elation to anger. But she projected a ho-hum sort of response. And she let the process proceed. The family went to court, the judge finalized the adoption. And Janeen went back to school.

On the surface of daily living not much had changed.

Later that year Janeen and her mom were out running errands for the family, when Janeen stopped and caught her breath. She pointed to a specific window in an apartment building and said, “That’s where my first mom lives. I used to live there.”

The two stood and stared at the building for a few minutes. Then Judy asked her daughter what she wanted to have happen. Janeen said, “I want to know if she’s still there.” They talked it over and decided to walk right up and ring the bell. So they did. And it was Janeen’s birth mom who opened the door.

All three stood in a stunned and awkward silence for a moment, and then Judy and Janeen were invited to go in. Tears were shed. Promises were made, and Janeen left the apartment of her birth mom expecting to see her again soon.

The appointed day for the next reunion meeting came and went. No birth mom. Janeen’s birthday passed without the promised contact. More waiting. More silence.

Janeen’s mom and dad waited with her. They listened to her anger, and they caught the tears that flowed from her disappointment and hurt. And then – Janeen began to let them into her heart.

Attachment takes time.

Parenting came first. Chuck and Judy put their love out there for Janeen months before she was ready to reach out and claim it.

She had some internal work to do before she was ready to allow herself to be adopted in the final, emotional sense. Now they really are a family.

If you watch our website closely, you will notice that sometimes a child’s photograph is removed for a period of time. It may be that a family appears to be a good match and plans are underway. Or there may be other factors.

Here is the story told by the mother of one of those children whose photograph disappeared for a while, and then returned:

When Ryan got put back on The Adoption Exchange listing as available by himself because his brother had gotten placed, I saw the listing right away because back then I was monitoring listings nearly daily.

I submitted an inquiry and his caseworker responded immediately. We talked, and she linked me to speak with Ryan’s therapist and with his foster mother. It was sounding like a good fit. Then my husband and I … spent a couple hours reviewing [agency] documentation, which did not scare us off, but confirmed we were on the right track.

There were a number of steps in the process. There were people to meet, life books, sharing of photographs, visits, and conversations.

And then Ryan to his very own family. Now his photograph is gone from our website for good. His mom says, “I dearly love my new son, he is an absolute treasure.”